When we get together for Christmas these days, often will be mentioned the "gum gift". It turned out a pretty decent present, as it kept my sister chewing for many months. Not that she needed any other reasons to be flapping her gums
When I was around ten, the family decided to begin exchanging gifts between us siblings.
Tony says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little Tony says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." Thanx To Tammy
priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
02 Britney Spears
03 Ozzy Osbourne
04 Jeff Bridges
05 Walt Disney
06 Steven Wright
07 Ted Knight
08 Flip Wilson
09 Redd Foxx
10 Susan Dey
11 Teri Garr
12 Frank Sinatra
13 Dick Van Dyke
14 Patty Duke
15 Tim Conway
16 Liv Ullmann
17 Bob Guccione
18 Christina Aguilera
19 Tim Reid
20 Peter Criss
21 Frank Zappa
22 Steve Garvey
23 Harry Shearer
24 Howard Hughes
25 Jimmy Buffett
26 Alan King
27 Gérard Depardieu
28 Edgar Winter
29 Ted Danson
30 Tracey Ullman
31 Val Kilmer
02 Laos' Republic Day
03 Illinois' Admission Day
04 Nuthin'
05 Haiti's Discovery Day
06 The Netherlands's Sinterklaas
07 Ivory Coast's Independence Day
08 Panama's Mothers' Day
09 Tanzania's Independence Day
10 Cameroon's Human Rights Day
11 Burkina Faso's Republic Day
12 Mexico's Feast of Our Lady of
Guadalupe
13 Saint Lucia's Discovery Day
14 Sweden's Luciadagen
15 USA's Bill of Rights Day
17 Turkey's Rumi's Birthday
18 The Philippines' Misa de Gallo
19 Mexico's Posadas Days
20 Mexico's Posadas Days (Still?)
21 USA's Forefathers' Day
22 The Philippines' Misa de Gallo (Day 7)
23 Japan's Emperor's Birthday
24 Hungary's Szenteste
25 You Know - CHRISTMAS (Well, Duh!)
26 Sri Lanka's Unduvap Full Moon Poya Day
27 North Korea's Constitution Day
28 Nepal's Birthday of King Birendra
29 Texas' Admission Day
30 Madagascar's Republic Day
31 NEW YEAR'S EVE - Let's Get Drunk!
&
On to the Front Porch
Since I had done all of this patching after the first coat of primer, I figured I ought to do a second coat. I got lucky that weekend as it was unseasonably warm. Unfortunately, it got dark as I was finishing. While I could turn on the porch lights, all they really did was blind me as I was painting near them.
The next day I got up a little earlier and started applying the actual paint. The warmer-than-usual weather held out, and I was able to finish painting in actual daylight. After the coat of paint was on, I looked it over and declared the job done. With the two coats of primer underneath, the single coat of paint seemed to be enough. That and I was dambed tired of messing with the frickin' porch ceiling.
I have since replaced the light fixture covers, and have replaced the light bulbs with the screw-in fluorescent type. While they are pricey, they use less power, put off little heat, and last several years. I like anything that is maintenance-free. I bought a maintenance-free car battery 20 years ago, and treat every car battery since like its maintenance-free now, even when they're not.
Before I could finish it I did have to clear everything off for "Trick or Treat", which local authorities declared was to be on the Thursday before Halloween. If they had just had it on Sunday night when it was Halloween it would have saved me a bunch of hassle. I don't know why the religious community would be so offended by Halloween on a Sunday. After raping numerous alter boys, you'd think they'd be willing to let this sort of thing slide.
While working in the upstairs closet, I had emptied it out and sorted through all of the crap that has accumulated over the years. Dawn had several huge boxes crammed full of old toys. She sorted through her stuff, and the junk she decided to keep in "general storage" got bagged up and tossed into the attic void. There are three giant boxes of toys she didn't want. I might see if anyone wants any of it, then either "flea-market" or throw away the rest.
I did a lot of purging as well. Apparently, at one time I didn't have a box for something, and have since collected a butt-load of boxes and cardboard. I tossed out most all of what was in the closet, but realized there was a regular firetrap collection of boxes in the attic above. (Still there, by the way)
But before the closet renovations could be completed, another home improvement issue became the top priority. The front porch ceiling was looking really bad. I don't mean kind-of bad, I mean seriously bad. While the exterior of the house is clad in low-quality hideously blue vinyl siding, the front and back porch ceilings are painted plywood. Over the twelve years we've lived there, the paint has been failing. The joints between the plywood sheets were exposed and the paint was curling away like some sort of geological anomaly. Cold weather was fast approaching, along with Halloween and its corresponding "Trick or Treat" festivity. Something had to be done, and done fast.
The first couple of weekend investments were dedicated to paint removal. All of the nails, tacks, and hooks for various hangings were removed and the loose paint scraped. Then I began the patching, which in itself was quite a chore. The joints between the sheets of plywood were never covered, so I decided to treat them as dry-wall joints. I covered them with the self-adhesive mesh tape, and then covered them with joint compound. The joint compound came from a six-gallon bucket I have had for years. Apparently I didn't get it mixed as well as I should have, as the compound was way too thin and went everywhere. It was a tremendous pain in the ass to work with, especially since it was overhead. It took me two applications and sandings, and it still looks kinda' crappy.
The upstairs closet renovation has been resumed. Perhaps the exciting details of that will be covered next month. Until then....
Doug (doug@hahacomix.com)
A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned, All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned. The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns, for killin' some critters, there's no better fun. The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned, to getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks, I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks. Then in the yard, such a noise did commence, like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence. I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick, the man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick. You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye, dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise. That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state he won't fail'er, He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer. On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig, He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies, He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty. Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens, I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton. He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow, He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Light Beer", there was no red hat, his cap read "John Deere". He left all the presents, with an air of delight, Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night. He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh, Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way. And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a "Bud Lite"
Thanx To Tammy
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those fucker's from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots... they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Thanx To Tammy
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "
Thanx To Tammy
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
True Wedding Announcements,
Little Tony, T-Shirts, Birthdaze,
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Bill, Jeff, Tammy, Larry, Earnie, Perry, www.zooass.com,
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