The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that ''22'' was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. ''But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken.''
''Oh, they'll be all right in a minute,'' the old man said. "We just got off Route 119.''
''Sir,'' the officer replies, ''You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous.''
you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.
He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady, "I don't really have a medical term for this, so i will be blunt... Your cherry has rotted!"
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?" Thanx To Matt
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"
"Well," she responds, "I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"
WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
Funny T-Shirts, Tasteles Jokes,
Hilarious HyperLinx, Pictures,
Barbie Gone Bad, Real Weddings,
Twisted Cartoonz, Funny Quotes,
Naked Nude Celebritys, Naked
Special Features:
To Be Announced (or denied!)
(or stolen from):
Tammy, Perry, Rob, & The WVSR
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge with the hips and said, "Fishing or Sex?" ...and she said, "Wear sun-block."
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