Chaos Chronicles 2004
HHC Newsletter 2003
This one will sleigh you!
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus Thanx To Tammy
Santa said with a shout!
When I divorced Mrs.Claus,
the bitch cleaned me out!
So they were all out of money,
and short on time.
But to have no Christmas presents,
would be a crime!!
I will save Christmas!!
There's always a way.
Said Santa aloud,
as he jumped on his sleigh.
And with that he was gone,
vanished into the sky.
Edgar turned to his mate,
and said,"Let's go get high"
To make some fast money,
Santa knew he had the answer...
Just shake a little ass,
as a MALE EXOTIC DANCER!!!
So that's how Santa saved Christmas,
but please keep tight lipped.
'Cause the IRS doesn't need to know,
how much he made while he stripped.
and Santa was stressed.
So he sparked up a doobie,
and tried to get messed
As he toked on his blunt,
and let the high set in.
In walked head elf,
Edgar Delwin.
We got a small problem,
Edgar said with a moan.
We're out of supplies,
and our budget is blown!
We're all out of money,
he said with a jeer.
We blew it on,
pot, cheap women and beer.
If we're gonna save Christmas,
we're gonna need cash.
We promise we won't spend it,
on Vodka or hash!
We need to buy supplies,
to finish the gifts.
We'll work day and night,
in 12 hour shifts!!
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
"Dream on, Chester!"
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for
shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is
foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer
head in his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the
stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from
Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster"
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from
the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at
your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're
in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a
bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel, try what I do: Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle into where it is warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by....When the first flea shows up in Miami, he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes said the first flea, I did exactly as you said.
I went to the New Jersey airport bar, had a few drinks.
Finally, this nice young stewardess came in and I crawled right up to her nice warm cozy spot.
It was so nice and warm there, I fell asleep.....and when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley!"
7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
1. Two words: lap rash Thanx To Aha Jokes.com
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you. Let's talk this out instead,OK?
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have to go to work in the morning.
Just long enough to reach the ground!
The smallest ones!
Funny T-Shirts, Tasteles Jokes,
Hilarious HyperLinx, Pictures,
Barbie Gone Bad, Real Weddings,
Twisted Cartoonz, Funny Quotes,
Naked Nude Celebritys, Naked
Special Features:
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